Softness Equals Willingness
There’s a moment that happens to a lot of good riders — and it’s sneaky.
You’re working your horse on something basic. Something you know they know. Maybe it’s the backup. Maybe it’s moving a shoulder. Maybe it’s just yielding softly when you pick up the rein.
And your horse… just stands there.
Head dropped. Eye half-lidded. Looking like they’ve got not a care in the world.
If you didn’t know any better, you’d call it calm. You’d call it softness. You might even call it progress.
But then you realize what’s really happening.
They’re not “soft.”
They’re waiting you out.
And if you’ve ever had a horse look at you like, “I’ve got all night,” you know exactly what I mean.
So let’s talk about it — because this is one of those concepts that changes everything once it clicks:
Softness isn’t a head position.
Softness isn’t a quiet body.
Softness is willingness.
That’s the measuring stick.
Not “Does my horse look relaxed?”
But: “Is my horse willing to do what I’m asking?”
When you start using that definition, you stop getting tricked by the “calm” that’s actually resistance… and you start building a horse that’s truly connected, responsive, and safe.
Why “Calm” Can Be Misleading
I want you to picture two horses.
Horse #1: The Real Soft Horse
You pick up the rein. They give.
You ask for one step back. They try.
You ask for a yield. They move like butter.
Not rushed. Not frantic. Just… willing.
They don’t argue. They don’t brace. They don’t need you to “get bigger” just to get a response.
They’re soft because their body and mind are available to you.
Horse #2: The “Looks Calm” Horse
You ask for the backup. They freeze.
You increase your pressure. They stand there.
Then they drop their head, lean in, and basically say, “Well, hello. I’m gonna just stand here with you.”
That horse might look quiet… but they’re not soft.
They’re choosing not to respond.
That’s not partnership — that’s negotiation.
And here’s the part that matters: If your horse learns they can “go calm” and make you quit asking, they will.
Not because they’re evil. Not because they’re “bad.”
Because horses do what works.
The Definition That Clears Everything Up
If you take nothing else from this, take this:
Softness = willingness.
It’s not collection. It’s not a headset. It’s not “my horse drops their head.”
Softness is a willingness to give or move in any direction you ask.
Willing to tip, bend, flex
Willing to back
Willing to move the front end, hind end
Willing to redirect when something spooks
Willing to respond even when the ask is unexpected
Because in real life, riding isn’t a perfect lesson plan.
You’re going to have moments where you need your horse to respond quickly — on the trail, in the arena, in the pasture, wherever.
And a horse that only looks calm… but isn’t willing… is not the kind of calm that keeps you safe.
The Two Kinds of “Not Soft” That Fool People
Let’s name what’s happening when a horse looks relaxed but isn’t responding.
1) The Shut-Down Horse
This is the horse that goes still. They might even drop their head.
But it’s not softness — it’s a mental check-out.
They’re saying:
“I’m done. I’m not participating. I’m going to stand here until you stop.”
2) The Sweet-but-Pushy Horse
This one is trickier because it can feel affectionate.
They lean in. They come into your space. They want the rubs. They want to stand with you.
But when you ask for movement — especially something they don’t like, like backing — they suddenly become “patient.”
“Let’s just hang out.”
That’s not softness either.
That’s your horse learning they can redirect you emotionally.
And listen — you don’t have to be harsh to fix this. But you do have to be clear.
The Fair Rule: Don’t Accept the Wrong Answer
This is where people accidentally teach their horse the opposite of what they want.
You ask for a backup.
Your horse doesn’t back, but they drop their head and stand quietly.
And you go, “Well… at least they’re calm.”
So you quit.
What did your horse learn?
They learned that not backing up works.
They learned they can offer a different behavior and make the pressure go away.
So here’s the fair rule:
If you ask for A, don’t settle for B.
Not because you’re mad — but because you’re being clear.
Horses thrive off clarity. Confusion makes them anxious. Muddiness creates mistrust.
If your horse is guessing and you keep changing your mind, they never get to feel confident.
And if your horse is avoiding and you let them, they never learn they can trust you to guide them through the hard things.
The “Power Steering” Picture You’ll Never Forget
Think about driving a vehicle without power steering.
You can do it… but you’re going to work for every turn. You’re going to fight it.
That’s what it feels like when your horse isn’t soft.
Softness is power steering.
It’s what allows you to guide and direct without yanking, pulling, or getting into a wrestling match.
And the goal isn’t to “make” your horse do something.
The goal is to help them learn that choosing your direction is always the best decision.
The Preemptive Skill: Stop the Thought Before the Step
A horse almost never surprises you out of nowhere.
They give hints.
Before a horse walks forward, they rock forward.
Before they swing their head around to your boot, they start with a tip.
Before they rush past the “hot spot” on your property, they brace and build.
If you wait until the full behavior happens, you’re late.
What to do instead:
Watch for the first sign
Interrupt early
Redirect their feet before they commit
This is one of the biggest differences between riders who feel like they’re constantly correcting… and riders who feel like their horse stays with them.
Action Steps: How to Handle the “I’ve Got All Night” Horse
Let’s make this practical.
Here’s the scenario we heard in the call:
Horse knows the backup. Was doing well. Rider took a week off. Came back. Asked for backup. Horse planted… dropped head… leaned in… waited.
Step 1: Don’t Quit
If you quit, your horse learns: “That worked.”
Step 2: Get As Big As You Need to Get
Not angry. Not emotional. Just effective.
Sometimes you think you’re “being firm”… and your horse is thinking, “That’s adorable.”
Meet them where they are that day.
Step 3: Be Preemptive About the Lean-In
If your horse starts coming into your space for the “love,” don’t let them finish that thought.
At the first indication:
claim your space
redirect them
ask again
Step 4: Reward the Try (Not the Standoff)
If you get one step back — even half a step — release pressure.
That release is the reward.
Then let them process.
A lot of riders rush to rub and praise immediately — and with some horses (especially the “lazy/pushy” kind), that becomes the reward they’re fishing for.
So instead:
release pressure
pause
let them think
then reward when it’s appropriate
Vertical Flexion: The “Calm” That Actually Means Trust
Let’s talk about head lowering, because it came up a lot.
Vertical flexion (head straight down) is a huge trust exercise when it’s asked for and offered willingly.
Why?
Because horses can’t see directly in front of them the way we do. When you ask them to drop their head, you’re asking them to give up visual control.
That’s a big deal.
The key distinctions:
Soft vertical flexion: you ask, they give, you release
Avoidant head drop: you ask for something else, they drop head to wait you out
Same “look.” Totally different meaning.
Under Saddle: The Softening-Then-Ask Pattern
Here’s a simple principle the speaker repeated:
We start everything with softening.
Even backing under saddle.
What that can look like:
Pick up the reins and ask for softness (head lowers)
When you feel softness, sit deep and ask the hind end to engage
Back up
Early on, it won’t feel fluid. That’s normal.
But the goal is that eventually it becomes one smooth conversation:
soften → respond → release
And when your horse truly understands softness, they start responding faster… and with less pressure.
When Your Horse Offers “More,” Don’t Shut It Down
This is a small but important piece.
When a horse is learning, sometimes they offer more than you asked.
Maybe you asked for one step back and they give three. Maybe you asked for a slight tip and they bend a little more.
In the early stages, let them try.
Don’t punish effort by stopping them abruptly.
As they mature in the exercise, you’ll refine and raise the expectation.
But early on, willingness matters more than precision.
Mental Softness: When Your Horse Is Ready Before You Ask
The speaker described this so well:
Mental softness is when your horse is in a state where they’re prepared to respond — not resist.
It’s like being so connected with someone you can finish their sentence.
That’s where your horse starts to feel your intention.
And that’s why this matters for safety.
Because on the trail, the arena, the property — life throws things at you that you didn’t plan.
A vine. A sudden turn. A rider coming fast behind you. A moment you need your horse to yield now.
Mental softness is what makes that possible.
Leadership Isn’t Meanness — It’s Kindness
Some riders hear “don’t accept the wrong answer” and think they’re being harsh.
But here’s the truth:
Clarity is kindness.
Horses are always looking for leadership. They want to know:
What’s the job?
What’s expected?
Am I safe with you?
If you get wishy-washy, they either get anxious… or they decide for themselves.
And a horse that decides for themselves is where you get the bucking, bolting, bracing, rushing — all the stuff nobody wants.
So when you stay calm and consistent, you’re not being “mean.”
You’re being the leader they’re looking for.
Quick Checklist: “Calm or Checked Out?”
Next time your horse looks relaxed, run through this:
Did I ask for something?
Did my horse respond willingly?
Did I get the movement I asked for?
Did I release pressure at the moment of the try?
Or did my horse offer a substitute behavior and I quit?
If your horse is responding willingly, you’re building softness.
If your horse is stalling you out, it’s time for clearer direction.
The Goal Isn’t a “Perfect Horse.” It’s a Better Conversation.
I love the tone of this whole session because it wasn’t about perfection.
It was about:
learning to read your horse
being fair
being consistent
building trust one decision at a time
And if you’ve ever felt discouraged — like you’re “starting over” after time off, after a setback, after fear, after injury — hear me on this:
Starting over doesn’t mean you failed.
It means you’re building a foundation that can actually hold you.
Softness isn’t a trick. It’s a relationship skill.
And the more you practice it, the safer, softer, and more enjoyable your riding life becomes.
You don’t have to live with fear in the saddle.
Learn the simple, proven process to build confidence and stay safe with your horse—starting today.
👉 Watch the Free Training (https://steadyhorse.com)
