Relaxation Is a Conversation: How to Measure Calm in Your Horse
When we think about working with horses, many of us focus on the big milestones—getting that clean canter transition, mastering groundwork, or completing a peaceful trail ride. But what if one of the most important indicators of success isn’t in the movement, but in the stillness?
What if your horse’s relaxation is the most honest feedback you’re getting?
In the Steady Horse community, we often say “Relaxation is a conversation.” And like any good conversation, it goes both ways. If you're not listening for your horse’s subtle cues—those soft eye blinks, lowered heads, loosened rib cages—you might be missing the clearest signs that your training is working… or that something is off.
Let’s dig into how to measure calm in your horse, why it matters, and what you can do if your horse is missing that sense of peace.
Why Relaxation Matters More Than You Think
A relaxed horse is a learning horse. When your horse is calm, their brain is in a space where it can absorb, process, and retain new information. It also means they feel safe—which should be at the heart of every training session.
But here’s the catch: not every horse shows relaxation the same way. And not every rider knows how to look for it.
If we mistake a frozen, checked-out horse for a relaxed one—or overlook the small victories because we’re too focused on the next goal—we can unknowingly miss out on the trust our horse is trying to give us.
That’s why relaxation has to be something we pay attention to, measure, and build over time.
Start With Awareness: What Are You Looking For?
Horses are highly perceptive. They know when you’re paying attention—and when you’re not. So the first step is building your own awareness.
Here are common (and less common) signs of relaxation to watch for:
Traditional signs of calm:
Licking and chewing
Deep breaths or soft sighs
Lowered head and neck
Soft or half-closed eyes
Cocked hind foot
Subtle signs of relaxation:
Gentle blinking
Rib cage swinging softly as they walk
A soft tail carriage, not clamped or swishing
Shifting weight comfortably while standing
A quiet demeanor without stiffness or over-alertness
Smooth, rhythmic footfalls
Every horse is different. Your job is to observe and get familiar with your horse’s unique “relaxed state.” What does their version of calm look like?
Once you know that baseline, you can begin to measure changes over time.
Measure Relaxation Like You Would Measure Progress
We often measure progress in numbers—how long it took to complete an exercise, how far we got in a ride, how many sessions until we saw improvement.
You can—and should—do the same with relaxation.
Here’s how:
Time it. If you’re desensitizing with a flag, note how long it takes your horse to release tension. Did it take 20 minutes last week and only 10 today? That’s measurable growth.
Track the duration. If your horse lowers their head, how long does it stay there? Do they stay relaxed for 5 seconds… or 30?
Use physical markers. If you're doing groundwork like sending, count how many panels they pass before breaking gait. If they used to fall out at 4 panels and now make it to 8, that's progress—and it may reflect their increasing calm and trust in the exercise.
Note the reset speed. After a surprising stimulus, how quickly does your horse relax? A faster return to calm is a huge win.
“If you’re really paying attention to that progress,” Rebecca said in a recent StableTalk session, “you’re likely making more progress than you realize.”
And the same is true of calm. It’s there—if you know how to listen for it.
Tension Is Telling: What It Means When Your Horse Isn’t Relaxed
Sometimes, the clearest signs that something is wrong come from what’s missing—softness, willingness, or presence.
Here are key indicators your horse is not relaxed:
Head high, eyes wide
Tightness in the neck, shoulders, or rib cage
Leaning away or toward distractions
Bracing against the lead or bit
Frozen, stiff posture (especially mistaken for "stillness")
Lack of engagement, plodding feet, or dragging hindquarters
In these moments, your horse is likely tuned into survival instinct—not you. They may be mentally checked out or physically tense, and no amount of “going through the motions” will fix that without first addressing the stress underneath.
Connection and Calm Go Hand-in-Hand
If your horse isn’t paying attention to you, they’re paying attention to something else—maybe a noise in the woods, another horse, or their own nervous system.
Relaxation isn't just about calming the body; it’s about bringing the mind back into the relationship.
Pay close attention to:
Eye and ear orientation – Are they looking at you or away?
Body lean – Are they leaning toward you or pulling away?
Energy flow – Are they slow and deliberate, or anxious and rushed?
“Horses don’t just relax in a vacuum,” Amy shared in the coaching call. “They relax because they feel safe with you. That’s what you’re measuring.”
When your horse’s mind is with you, the body follows. And that’s where the real transformation happens.
What to Do When Your Horse Isn’t Paying Attention
If your horse is distracted, bored, or ignoring you altogether—don’t panic. Don’t try to push through, either. The goal is to redirect their focus in a meaningful way.
Try these three preemptive exercises:
The Backup – Reestablishes boundaries and attention
Move the Front End – Redirects mental and physical energy
Come-To Exercise – Reinforces connection and willingness
If your horse is still not engaging, go smaller. Reset the moment. You can always break exercises into baby steps—and you should.
And above all, don’t let frustration steal the softness. That’s when your horse starts associating training with pressure instead of peace.
Consistency Beats Routine
You don’t need to train your horse at the same time every day. You don’t need to ride six days a week to make progress.
What matters is that when you show up—you show up. You’re present. You’re engaged. You’re paying attention to the horse in front of you.
As one student shared on the call:
“Horses don’t think about time like we do. For them, it could be you were just here yesterday.”
Don’t worry if your schedule isn’t perfect. Focus on the quality of your time together, not the quantity.
Action Steps: Practicing the Conversation of Calm
Here are some practical ways to start building and measuring relaxation in your horse:
✅ Observe Without Asking: Spend 5 minutes just being near your horse. Watch what they do when you're not asking anything. This will reveal their default state.
✅ Track the Reset: During a session, time how long it takes your horse to go from tension to softness. Write it down.
✅ Set a Relaxation Goal: Instead of focusing on completing an exercise, focus on ending the session with your horse more relaxed than when you began.
✅ Video Your Sessions: Record short training clips and rewatch them—not just for mechanics, but for moments of softness or signs of worry.
✅ Start with a Softness Check: Use the backup to test how attentive your horse is. If they’re slow to respond or stiff, that tells you something about where they’re at.
✅ Praise the Calm: When your horse shows signs of softness—no matter how small—acknowledge it. That tells them calm is a good place to be.
Final Thoughts: Your Horse Is Listening—Are You?
Your horse doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be present.
Relaxation isn’t a checkbox—it’s a conversation. One where your horse is always talking. One where the little things mean everything.
When you pay attention to their calm, they learn to trust yours. That’s when real breakthroughs happen—not just in training, but in relationship.
So if you're feeling stuck, rushed, or unsure of where to go next, start here:
Look for the calm. Listen for the conversation. And don’t forget to celebrate the softness.
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