The Art of Asking Softly

There’s a common misunderstanding in the horse world that softness simply means being light with your hands.
But real softness—the kind that transforms your horse from resistant to willing—goes much deeper than that.

Softness is a posture of the heart.
It’s the way we listen, the way we lead, and the way we give our horses the space to understand.

When we talk about softness in our program, we’re not talking about making our horses mechanical or “pretty.” We’re talking about building a horse that wants to work with you. A horse that feels seen, understood, and safe enough to offer you their best.

That’s the kind of horse that comes from asking softly—with attention, timing, and love.

The New Way: Leading With Love, Not Force

For generations, horse training was built on dominance and control. You could make a horse move, bend, or stop—but you couldn’t make them trust you.

And that’s the shift we’re making together.
We’re choosing to lead our horses the way God leads us—with clarity, patience, and compassion.

The truth is, you can force a horse to do almost anything. But what you build in that process isn’t trust—it’s tolerance. A horse that obeys out of fear will never offer softness.

Softness can’t be demanded. It’s something your horse gives when they know they can trust your leadership.

So instead of forcing obedience, we invite understanding. We replace pressure with purpose. And we trade control for connection.

Because when you lead with love, softness follows.

Softness Begins With Attention

Before you can ever ask your horse to be soft, you have to first learn to be attentive.

Horses wear their emotions on their sleeves. They tell us what they’re thinking long before they ever move their feet—if we’re paying attention.

You can see it in the shift of their weight, the flick of an ear, or the lift of a head. A horse that’s about to go forward leans ever so slightly onto their front end. A horse that’s uncertain will raise their head, brace their neck, or plant their feet.

All of those small signals are your horse communicating: I’m thinking about this. I’m not sure about that.

Being soft starts with noticing those thoughts before they become actions.

When you can read your horse’s body language and respond before they have to shout for help, your horse realizes, You see me. You understand me.
And that’s where trust begins.

The Power of Timing

True softness lives in your timing.

It’s the split second where you notice your horse thinking about giving before they actually do—and you release.

When your horse shifts their weight back before taking that first step in the backup, release right there. Don’t wait for the whole movement—reward the thought.

That single moment tells your horse, I see your try.

That’s the language of softness.

When your horse knows you’re paying attention to their smallest effort, they’ll start offering more of them. You’ll begin to notice a shift—from resistance to willingness. From hesitation to trust.

And that’s where real partnership begins to form.

Just like in our walk with God, timing is everything. We serve a patient Father who sees our small steps and meets them with grace. When we learn to respond to our horses with that same patience, we become the kind of leader they can follow with confidence.

Clarity Creates Calm

One of the most loving things you can ever give your horse is clarity.

Softness doesn’t mean being vague, and it doesn’t mean never using pressure.
In fact, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for your horse is to give them enough pressure to understand exactly what you’re asking.

If we’re too soft—never giving direction or contact—our horse is left without leadership. They don’t know where to go or what we expect.

That lack of clarity creates anxiety.

But if we’re too firm—constantly pulling, kicking, or correcting—our horse learns to brace. That kind of pressure doesn’t bring understanding; it brings defensiveness.

The art of asking softly sits right in the middle.

It’s being clear enough to give direction but gentle enough to invite understanding.
It’s applying enough pressure to guide your horse and then releasing the instant they make the right choice.

Softness doesn’t come from avoiding pressure—it comes from using it wisely.

Exercises That Build Softness

Softness isn’t a single skill; it’s a quality you build over time through consistent, connected work.
But there are a few key exercises that help you and your horse develop it together:

1. Tipping the Nose

This is the first building block of softness. Ask your horse to tip their nose slightly—just a few inches—until you feel a light give. You’re not pulling; you’re inviting.

This small movement helps your horse start to understand the concept of giving to pressure. It teaches them that following your feel brings release and peace.

2. Flexing the Neck

Once your horse understands how to tip, begin asking for a full flexion to one side. You’ll be guiding the nose toward your leg, around a 90-degree angle.

The goal isn’t to “crank” your horse around—it’s to find the soft give that tells you they understand. When they flex easily, it shows mental softness, not just physical flexibility.

3. Vertical Flexion

This is when your horse softens through the poll, drops their head, and relaxes into your hands. It’s a visual reflection of inner peace.

When a horse willingly lowers their head, they’re showing you trust. They’re saying, I’m okay with this. I’m with you.

Every one of these exercises becomes powerful when paired with good timing and a gentle release. The goal isn’t to force a result—it’s to help your horse discover how good softness feels.

When Your Horse Struggles to Be Soft

Here’s where a lot of riders lose heart.

When a horse resists, stiffens, or braces, we often take it personally. We think, He’s being stubborn.
But more often than not, that stiffness isn’t defiance—it’s confusion.

Your horse is simply saying, I don’t understand what you want.

And that’s where our faith and patience come in.

Instead of reacting in frustration, take a step back and meet your horse where they are.
Break the exercise down into smaller pieces. Ask for one soft step, then reward it.
Give clarity where they’re unsure.

This is what I like to call grace-filled leadership.

It’s the same kind of leadership our Creator shows us—meeting us right in the middle of our confusion and guiding us patiently until we understand.

When you start to view your horse’s “struggles” as an opportunity to serve and teach, not control, everything changes.

You begin to see resistance as a form of trust—because your horse is being honest with you.
They trust you enough to say, I need help here.

That’s the kind of honesty that builds an unbreakable bond.

Softness Is a Two-Way Street

If we expect our horses to be soft, we have to be soft too.

That means:

• Being quick to forgive a mistake

• Staying present instead of reactive

• Offering clarity instead of criticism

A horse can only mirror what we model.
If we stay calm, attentive, and patient, our horse will start to reflect that same energy.

Softness isn’t weakness—it’s strength under control. It’s the quiet kind of confidence that builds connection, not compliance.

And that’s the kind of leadership horses follow naturally.

Softness Builds Willingness

Softness is one of the five foundational ways we build connection with our horses—right alongside teaching them to stay with us, give to our direction, be okay with change, and be brave.

When your horse is soft, they’re not just doing what you ask—they’re wanting to do it.

That willingness is the fruit of your faithfulness.

Because every time you meet your horse with understanding instead of frustration, you’re planting seeds of trust. And trust, when nurtured, grows into willingness.

It’s not about perfection—it’s about progress.
It’s about showing up with grace for your horse and yourself.

So the next time your horse braces or resists, ask yourself:

• Where is my horse asking for help?

• Am I being clear, or just soft?

• Am I listening as much as I’m leading?

The answers to those questions will guide you back to softness every time.

Final Thoughts

Softness isn’t just something you teach—it’s something you become.

When you learn to read your horse, respond with timing, and lead with grace, you’ll find a new kind of peace in the saddle.

You’ll no longer be fighting for control—you’ll be flowing in connection.

And in that space of mutual understanding, you’ll discover what true partnership feels like.

Because the art of asking softly isn’t just about horses—it’s a reflection of who we are becoming as leaders, as learners, and as people of faith.

Call to Action

You don’t have to live with tension and misunderstanding in the saddle.
Learn the simple, proven process to build confidence, clarity, and softness with your horse—starting today.
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