If you’ve ever been on a ride and felt your horse leave you—maybe not physically, but mentally—you know exactly how unnerving it is. One moment they’re with you. The next, their ears shoot forward, their head comes up, and their mind is two miles down the road.

And you can feel it in your body:
They are no longer connected.
Their focus is gone, your cues feel ignored, and suddenly you’re sitting on 1,000 pounds of “I need to check out and handle this myself.”

This moment is where most riders lose confidence… and where most horses lose trust.

But here’s the good news:

Your horse isn’t ignoring you. They aren’t being disrespectful. They aren’t being stubborn.
They’re confused. They’re unsure. They’re mentally leaving because they don’t feel safe enough to stay.

And the answer—the way you rebuild that connection—is surprisingly simple:

Softness.

Softness redirects your horse’s brain back to you.
Softness gives them clarity.
Softness gives them safety.
Softness gives them a way out of the anxiety spiral.

But softness doesn’t come from being gentle all the time.
Softness isn’t petting.
Softness isn’t lightness.
Softness isn’t “don’t use pressure.”

Softness is understanding.

Today, we’re breaking down exactly how to use softness to bring your horse back mentally, build trust, strengthen communication, and create a safer, more willing ride—whether you’re working on groundwork exercises, heading down the trail, or just trying to get consistent softness in the saddle.

When Your Horse Checks Out: What’s Really Going On

Let’s start by debunking a myth:

A horse that mentally checks out is NOT misbehaving.
They’re overwhelmed.

Maybe something caught their eye.
Maybe they don’t understand your cue.
Maybe they’re anticipating something.
Maybe they’re bracing emotionally before they brace physically.

Regardless, a mentally checked-out horse is a horse whose feet might stay still…

…but whose brain is already running.

And when the brain runs?
The body usually follows.

This is why “checked-out” is one of the top warning signs riders miss—right before a spook, bolt, refusal, or meltdown.

It’s also why mental connection is the foundation of:

• Equestrian confidence building

• Building trust with horses

• Safe horse handling practices

• Horseback riding confidence

• Equine partnership development

You don’t need your horse’s obedience.
You need their mind.

And softness is how you get it.

Softness Isn’t a Trick—It’s a Conversation

You can force a horse to move.
You cannot force a horse to mentally stay with you.

Softness is how you invite the mind back.

Softness simply means:

“I apply pressure.
You search for the answer.
The moment you try… I release.”

Release is the reward.
Release is the clarity.
Release is the language your horse trusts.

Softness is not about avoiding pressure.
It’s about teaching your horse what the pressure means—and how to find comfort again.

The give is everything.

A horse that gives even a millimeter from pressure is a horse who is mentally returning to you.

And a horse that braces?
They’re not fighting you.
They simply don’t know the answer yet.

This is why softness is one of the most powerful tools in:

• Horse behavior training

• Equine behavior modification

• Horse training for beginners

• Advanced horsemanship skills

Because it gets the brain back before the body leaves.

Why Softness Always Comes First

Softness tells you three things immediately:

1. Is your horse mentally present?

2. Do they understand your cue?

3. Are they emotionally regulated enough to respond?

If you pick up a rein, a lead rope, or a cue and your horse:

• Raises their head

• Tilts their nose away

• Gets stiff

• Locks their jaw

• Plants their feet

• Rushes forward

• Tunes you out

They’re not connected.

This is why I always say:

Before you move their feet, soften their mind.
Before you advance a cue, check their understanding.
Before you ask for performance, ask for presence.

If your horse isn’t soft, they’re not ready.
Not mentally, not emotionally, and not physically.

The Number One Reason Horses Check Out: Confusion, Not Disobedience

I wish every rider could tattoo this truth somewhere:

A horse that braces is a horse that does not understand.

That’s it.
Not dominance.
Not stubbornness.
Not disrespect.

Just confusion.

If you ask for something—especially something you consider “basic”—and your horse doesn’t stay with you?

They aren’t refusing.
They’re searching.

And that’s where most riders make the biggest mistake:

They add more cues.

More clucking.
More kissing.
More seesawing.
More squeezing.
More nagging.

But when a horse is confused, more cues do not help.

Stillness does.

Holding the cue—without adding chaos—allows your horse to think their way through the pressure.

That’s where softness lives.

How to Bring a Checked-Out Horse Back: Softness in Action

Here are core softness skills pulled directly from the principles you’ve seen in Unbreakable Bond Live sessions—broken into simple, repeatable steps.

These work whether your horse is green, older, anxious, dull, or explosive. They’re foundational for:

• Horse desensitization techniques

• Groundwork exercises for horses

• Equine groundwork mastery

• Building equine trust and respect

1. Pick Up, Hold, Wait

This is the heart of softness.

If you pick up pressure and your horse stiffens, raises their head, or checks out:

Do nothing.
Just hold.

Don’t add more.
Don’t take it away.
Don’t change the cue.

Give your horse time to think.

When they even try to soften—even a tiny muscle twitch in the right direction—release immediately.

This creates the search.
The search creates understanding.
Understanding creates willingness.
Willingness creates connection.

2. Use Adequate Pressure—Not Polite Pressure

Many riders unknowingly create dull, mentally checked-out horses because they never use enough pressure to be clear.

Some horses need:

• Pressure level 1

• Pressure level 3

• Or pressure level 5

Adequate pressure means:

Use the amount of pressure needed to get the first meaningful try.

Yes, the horse may raise their head at first.
Yes, they might get wide-eyed.
Yes, they might feel unsure.

That’s okay.
You’re not hurting them—you’re communicating.

Once they understand, the brace melts away like butter.

3. Reward the Give, Not the Position

Softness isn’t:

“I put your head here.”

Softness is:

“You brought your head here willingly.”

This distinction changes everything in:

• Equine partnership development

• Horseback riding confidence

• Horse training for confidence building

You can physically move a horse into a posture—but that teaches nothing.

Wait for them to offer the softness—and they’ll start offering it everywhere.

4. Softness First, Movement Second

Never ask a horse to:

• Back

• Side-pass

• Trot

• Lope

• Transition

• Yield

• Bend

• Steer

…until they soften first.

A stiff horse cannot listen.
A checked-out horse cannot stay safe.
A braced horse cannot understand.

Pick up the rein.
Wait for the give.
Then ask.

5. Finish Soft Too

Most riders miss this critical step.

They start soft…
…but they don’t end soft.

Before every transition ends, ask for one more moment of softness:

• Pick up gently

• Feel the give

• Release

Start soft.
Move soft.
Finish soft.

This is how muscle memory—and mind memory—are built.

Why Softness Rebuilds Rider Confidence, Too

When your horse checks out mentally, your confidence goes with it.

But when you use softness correctly, something powerful happens:

• Your horse stays with you

• You feel more in control

• You understand what to do when they brace

• You stop guessing

• Your cues get clearer

• Your timing improves

• Your communication becomes consistent

This is why softness is foundational in:

• Fearless rider programs

• Equestrian confidence building

• Horse training for fearful riders

A connected horse creates a confident rider.
A checked-out horse creates a fearful one.

Softness is the bridge.

Everyday Exercises to Build Softness (On the Ground & In the Saddle)

Here are simple daily reps that transform connection—fast.

1. Flexing (Lateral Softness)

20 reps each direction before every ride.

This builds:

• Responsiveness

• Relaxation

• Lateral softness

• Clear steering

• Emotional regulation

It is almost impossible for a horse to mentally leave you when they’re softening into your hand.

2. Vertical Softness

Pick up the rein or lead rope.
Hold.
Wait for a drop at the poll.
Release.

This is huge for:

• Hot horses

• Distracted horses

• Bracy horses

• Horses that want to run through pressure

3. Softness at the Walk, Then the Trot, Then the Canter

Never assume that because your horse is soft at one gait, they’ll be soft at all of them.

Softness is a rep, not a reward.

4. Softness With Every Transition

Before asking for:

• Walk → trot

• Trot → lope

• Backup

• Side-pass

• Bend

• Halt

Get soft first.
Move second.
Finish soft third.

Transitions without softness create chaos.
Transitions with softness create connection.

5. Don’t Move Until They’re Soft

If you pick up your lead rope and your horse is:

• Tipped outward

• Looking away

• Stiff in the jaw

• High in the head

Hold.
Soften.
Then step.

This single rule has prevented more spooks, bolts, and accidents than almost anything else I teach.

Why Softness Makes Your Horse Feel Safe With You

Horses don’t trust based on dominance.
They trust based on clarity and consistency.

Softness gives them both:

• A clear cue

• Space to think

• A predictable release

• A dependable leader

• A safe place to come back to

When your horse knows:

“If I soften, the pressure goes away,”

they don’t feel the need to mentally leave.

They stay with you—because softness is safety.

And that’s when the real partnership begins.

What You’ll See When Your Horse Stays With You Mentally

When softness works, your horse will:

• Keep an ear tuned back toward you

• Lower their head

• Relax their jaw

• Slow their breathing

• Stay present instead of scanning

• Follow feel instantly

• Stop bracing at transitions

• Stop tuning you out

• Stop looking for escape routes

• Start looking for answers

That’s connection.
That’s partnership.
That’s the Unbreakable Bond.

If Your Horse Is Checking Out, Softness Is the Way Back

Your horse isn’t trying to ignore you.
They’re trying to feel safe.

Softness gives them the clarity, direction, and confidence they need to stay connected—even when the world feels overwhelming.

You don’t need more force.
You need more understanding.
You need more patience.
You need more timing.
You need more softness.

And when you give it?
Your horse gives you everything back.

Ready to Build a More Connected, Safer, Softer Horse?

If your horse disconnects, braces, tunes you out, or gets overwhelmed easily, chances are one thing is missing: softness that makes sense to them.

You can fix this—and you don’t have to guess your way through it.

Every ride matters.
Don’t wait for a scare to make a change.
🚨 Get access to the free training now (https://steadyhorse.com)